Firsts - Part Ten

I picked this picture because Gordon's laughing. That was rare in pictures. He was always very straight faced when he knew he was having his picture taken. It was always so fun to watch him laugh. Most of the time there was laughter it involved Tami...usually teasing her about one thing or the other! She was a good match for him though...a chip of the old block, I liked to call her! This picture was taken in Oct of 2005, exactly one year from when Tami got married. None of us had any idea how different our lives would be in one short year.


February 22, 2007

I gathered Gord and his wheelchair and we went to Dr. V's office for a check-up. Gordon still had the old mesh in his stomach and never been able to be totally closed up. We would dress his wound every morning and night. At first, I didn't think I'd ever be able to do it, but then it became second nature. While we were at the appointment, the Dr decided to go ahead and cut out the old mesh. He told us to go on home and dress it just as we had been doing. He said it was time to put in the permanent mesh and sew him up. I was so excited for that. I couldn't help but think that closing up his incision would help his state of mind. After all, he'd had this huge hole in his stomach for about 12 weeks. He was very nervous, but not about the surgery. He just didn't want to go back into the hospital, and I didn't blame him. Surgery was scheduled for Monday.

February 24, 2007

What a great day! I drove up to Echo to meet Misty and picked up Gage. Gage and I drove out to the airport to pick up Tami. We got home and there were hugs everywhere. Our home was full again and to make it even better, Tami had news to share with us. She brought Gordon a Grandpa book and me a Grandma book. We were both so thrilled to know we would be Grandparents. Gordon was so happy to see Tami, but Tami was shocked at the sight of her Dad. His color was grey, eyes fairly sunken, very thin. He looked old. The weekend was a little crazy with trying to keep Gage happy and off Pop and Gordon feeling so ill. He was still wrenching from nausea and having terrible headaches. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do for Gage and Gordon, but he wanted to see him so bad. But we got through it OK.

February 25, 2007

Gordon was having one of his nausea episodes when we noticed he had bled from his belly clear through to his clothes. It really scared me because I didn't know how to stop it so I called Mimi. She and the Bishop (Roger Beattie had just been made Bishop) came over and looked at him. She suggested we should probably take him into the E.R. Gordon kept saying no, he didn't want to go back. I hated that I did things to him that he didn't want to do. It breaks my heart when I think back on it...but we felt like it was the best thing...and he was going to be there anyway in another day.

February 26, 2007

Tami drove Gage home and Gordon and I went to the hospital. Dr. V took him in and did the surgery to close him up. When he came into the room after it was done, he said that he had made him "a lean, mean, fightin' machine" and we all laughed. It was so good to see his stomach look normal again...no more hole...and it seemed to make Gord happy too.

February 27, 2007

Through these past months, good news was short lived and the bad thing was that I began to expect the worse. I'm a half full kind of gal....and I hated this.

Today, Gord's blood pressure dropped severely. He had abnormal pain and they moved him to the ICU on the 7th floor because 6 was full. They thought he may be bleeding and took him back into surgery about 9:00 p.m. It was a very short surgery (thank goodness). They found blood around the mesh under his incision. They cleaned him up and sent him back to the 6th floor STICU (home sweet home) with another open wound. Judy and Jodi were there with Tami and I through this surgery. I was so glad Tami was home. Gord's all puffed up again, full of fluid, due to his low blood pressure.

March 1, 2007

Tami is bleeding a little and is nervous...we all are. She went in for an Ultrasound. The baby is fine, but she needs to rest so she stayed down the next couple of days. She had to miss her friend, Stephanies, wedding, but it was important that she rest.

Gordon has fluid in his lungs...another setback.

March 8, 2007

Today was the beginning of the end. I didn't know it at the time, but it truly was. He started having seizures today. Tami and I had gone up to the hospital to see him and they told us that he had been having them. They were hooking him up for tests to see exactly what was happening. When we were standing over him, he had a bad one. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was so frightening because he looked so distorted for a time. Tami had to leave the room for a bit. It was so upsetting to her. I stayed with him. I was so scared. They didn't know why he was having them. His liver enzymes were high, a possible cause...but they were leaning towards it possibly being all of his meds, specifically the antibiotics, that he's been on for so long. It was then that I learned that antibiotics don't only kill the bad stuff...they can kill everything. They've done MRI's and EEG's...no conclusions, except that he's having several.

March 10, 2007

Tami has been here for two weeks and what a blessing that's been for me. She's very torn about whether or not to go home, but I think it's time. She does have a new family, with Macie to care for and she's pregnant...and this is a lot of stress. I think she needs to be away from it for a little while. It was tough for both of us dropping her off at the airport. I missed her so much.

When I got home, Judy B was waiting for me. We went to breakfast and she went to the hospital with me. We came home later and had chicken salad sandwiches with Judy S. It was a nice time.

I've been very discouraged since the seizures started. I hate to write this, as it seems more permanent, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to be able to bring him home.

March 14, 2007

When I got to the hospital, Gord's hand and arm were moving up and down. I asked the nurse if it was a seizure and she said no and that he had been doing that for awhile. He stopped for a few minutes and then started again. This time I got the Neurologist and he confirmed that they were seizures. His shoulders, head and arm was moving. They hurried and hooked him up to the EEG. The seizure went into the 3 minute mark and then they gave him Adavan. He kept seizing...and then they gave him a drug used in anesthesia that's very strong.

I talked with Dr. Zurasky (neurologist) and he told me that his plan was to stop all help if he had more seizures or if there was no improvement by Saturday. Bob came up and talked about the decisions to be made. I like someone to be there...I seem to lose a lot of the medical talk. I called Tami to let her know what was going on.

All the Smiths came to visit today.

March 16, 2007

This week has been the worst. Judy B has been with me a lot. I've even started thinking about a funeral. He's not moving and not improving and I feel like it's over, but of course it can't be really. I cried so hard driving home last night that I was afraid/hopeful that I would drive off a cliff, but thankfully Beck St has no cliffs.

I got home and asked Judy S to go to the temple with me. We just went and sat in the Celestial Room. A pillow and blanket and I could have stayed there forever. There's definitely no where on earth like the temple to experience comfort and peace. Then...my focus turned to all the couples holding hands coming into the room, the hands were eye level and then that's all I could think about. I knew I wasn't going to be walking through that door holding my sweetheart's hand again. It was time to go! We stopped at the Craig's and Bob gave me a blessing of strength. They are so wonderful. I truly love them.

Earlier today, Michelle, the social worker, talked with me at Gordon's bedside. Probably from our records, she knew we were LDS. She actually suggested that since there may be serious decisions to be made a trip to the temple may help. She looked me right in my eyes and with tears in hers said "Father knows what he has asked you to do and he is mindful of how difficult it is." She said, "I know without any doubt that if you do this for him you will be compensated throughout your life." She reminded me that this situation was in his hands and he loves me...

It was an exhausting day, but I felt a little more ready to make some decisions.

March 17, 2007

When I arrived at the hospital this morning I met with Dr. Thomsen and Zurasky. They both felt like there was enough improvement to keep going with treatments. He tracked Dr. Z around the room and his brain waves showed a little more activity. I left around 2:30 to go to the airport to pick up Tami. When Tami got to the hospital, Gord moved his hand toward her so she could hold his hand. It was very tender - more movement than we had seen in awhile. He does love his baby girl!

March 18, 2007

Gord was very responsive to Tami today. She told him it was good to see his eyes open...and he opened them even wider and wiggled his tongue. He was showing his personality with his expressions with his eyes and hands. It was good to see him responsive.

He had a busy day with visitors. Rick & JoAnn, Marilyn & Don, Bob, Jerry, Becky, Cathy and Alta. It was tiring but good. It felt too good to be true that he was actually waking up.

March 19, 2007

Not much difference today. Tami's friends came up...Stacy, Heather and Ricci. Jim worked on tearing apart the Nova to take the engine and Chrysler frame to AZ. He worked hard all day from about 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. He wanted to help Gord restore the old car so much. What a great gesture on Jim's part!

When we got to the hospital it was hard not to feel real positive about his progress - then the other neurologist, Dr. Roller came in and started talking about brain damage. Bob & Shirley were there. I asked the Dr. to talk to me outside and discussed whether or not I should leave the DNR in place. he told me that I should and he told me that he would call Gordon's condition "prolonged incomplete recovery". So much for feeling positive! Again, the roller coaster comes crashing down. Tami's friends wanted to take us to dinner. I told Tami to go. I just wanted to go home and bury my head. I was exhausted and couldn't believe that we were facing possible permanent brain damage.

STRICU had 5 traumas come in and they needed his bed. They moved him to the 5th Floor It was very sad to leave 6. It's amazing how close you get to the nurses.

March 20, 2007

Tami and I decided we wanted to do something nice for the STRICU nurses. We stopped at Cutlers, grabbed some early lunch, got cookies and a card. It was fun to drop them off. They are good people on the 6th floor!

Respiratory was nice as well. Brett and Ryan were his nurses and couldn't have been nicer. Not a whole lot of change in him today. We stayed until around 7:00. Judy and Jodi came over and we ordered chinese. It was a nice diversion!

March 21, 2007

I came into the hospital without Tami today. We decided to do shifts. I was able to talk with Dr. Thomsen for awhile. We talked mostly about decisions and the fact that he, Dr. V, and I need to make sure we're all on the same page. I took the part of the DNR off that says they couldn't intebate. He wants to remove the tube, but doesn't want to yet with that restriction because there's a chance they would have to. He feels like he's making progress and along with the other doctors does not know how this will all play out. That's the frustrating part. he told me "don't ever think that I don't understand the ordeal your husband's been through. Most people wouldn't have made it through". He said, "his heart broke for us". He seems to be a very good man, but still no answers.

While I was talking with Dr. Thomsen, he got called away for a minute and Gord kept trying to tell me something. I finally understood that he was telling me he wanted the tube out. I told him that right now, if they took it out, he could die. With the best communication he could muster, he said "take it out". But, I couldn't...there was a chance again that I could get my husband back...and I wasn't going to take any chances.

Tami came up in the afternoon and I went to work. She talked to Dr. V about surgery on his wound and he said no, no yet.

March 22, 2007

They got to the hospital around 4:30. Gord had removed the ventilator tube with the help of his tongue. Anyone who knows our Gordon, know where there's a will, there's a way. He had probably worked at that tie holding the tube in all day and night.

When I got there about 10:30 a.m. he was talking - a lot! He told me he needed "Utah". He wasn't able to get the right words out. It was very startling at first. The nurse then told me that he told her very clearly earlier to tell Sally "I love her". I know he loves me. I just want him to come home to me.

I went to work for about 3 hours. When I came back Dennis & Jennie were there. Jerry & Laura came shortly and Bob came up. It was very tender to see his big tough brothers on each side of him trying to make sense of it all. He seemed to know everyone, but some of the names couldn't come out. They were very tender with him. A little of the old "Gord" has come through though. He gets mad and uses profanity quite easily! Funny how we hang on to those words. I cried on the way home...again!

March 23, 2007

Tracy called this morning to see how I was and how Gordon was doing. She told me she had no plans and would do anything I wanted. I told her thanks, but wasn't really up to any play. I crawled back into bed and about an hour later, someone came to the door. I was going to ignore it, but then they came to the back door. It was Tracy. She brought me a flower, a bag of oreos, string cheese and a magazine. It was so nice. We visited and then went to breakfast...her treat. Then I took her up to the Frog and had fun there. She brought us home and Tami and I went up to the hospital. It was so nice of her to steal me away for awhile. The three of us had a good time.

When I got to the hospital Dennis, Jennie and Alta were there...and had been for a couple of hours. Dennis brought in balloons and a little white dog for Gord. A couple of nurses from STRICU brought in some flowers for him too. Ryan was his nurse and said that he had been singing and playing the guitar for him. He started to sing "Oh My Darlin' Clementine" loud and strong...and play the electric guitar. It was very funny and made us all laugh, but I wasn't really sure whether I should laugh or cry. He seemed to be upset at me tonight...wouldn't really have much to do with me. He communicated much better with Tami. It made me very sad He got very agitated when we were trying to help him lay on his side. He's a lot stronger when he's frustrated and angry. I haven't seen this in him for a long time. I'm trying hard to remember it's not really him.

I feel more frightened this week. I truly don't know what our future is going to be. Everyone says I'm so strong...they're not seeing all the tears when it's quiet and feeling the knot in my stomach. I'm really not so strong. Heavenly Father is carrying me.